Heads or Tails

I have been on both sides of the girlfriend / mistress coin....as a girlfriend, I don't think I was ever cheated on technically but there were times when a beau would start spending more and more time with another member of the female sex and less time with me....it takes alot of self-realization and self-actualization to come to the conclusion collectively that you are just not a match with someone. The last guy I dated, I was with for four months and it took one of those months to break up with him. The guy I was with for 2 years, it took three months to separate from him....I get the whole "tipping over the Coke machine" thing.

I have knowingly been a mistress several times throughout the course of my life but never like this. I knowingly kissed a married man--twice--and then told him I could not do that anymore. I allowed myself to be naked in front of a guy who not only lived with his baby mama but whom I worked with as well. I tried my hardest to stay his friend but ultimately could not overcome my hurt. I hooked up with a guy who I thought maybe had a girlfriend but I went through with it anyway because I really liked him and I wanted to do it. He is getting married to the girl he cheated on this weekend.

Finally, we come to the current situation...this guy totally and completely pursued me and we have shared some amazing experiences over the course of three weeks....I have recently found out that he has had a girlfriend for two years....my heart broke....I didn't know what to do, I was so confused. I still am a little bit but I decided to play the game, play his game....the reason? Because I know this asshole likes me and I haven't connected both mentally and physically to a guy this much in many, many years....perhaps I am being selfish in wanting to keep that feeling around....I hope that I fall out of love with him before he can hurt me I guess....I don't care, I want to play....